just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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