I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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