He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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