he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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