I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
