just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize