I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
