They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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