He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
