Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
