You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize
