u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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