Fine. I'll sleep in my office
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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