I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize