my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
