the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
