I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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