My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
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