You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
