if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
