it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
