I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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