the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
of course. lets lasso hookers.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
