New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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