question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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