I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
