I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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