What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize