He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
