we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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