I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
