Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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