You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
