Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
