this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
