the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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