Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
