Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
