someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Help. Why am I so naked?
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