Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
