oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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