Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
