When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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