I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
