we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
