Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
