Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize