Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
