She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's official drugs can't kill me
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
