Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize