your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
