when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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