Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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