I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
